The Digital Nativity Story

I ran across this on Andy's Blog. I thought it was great. What would it be like if Jesus were born today?

The Pastor and the Window Washer

A pastor was walking through a hospital and came across a man that was covered from head to toe with bandages. He asked what kinda work he did. The man said he used to be a window washer. The pastor asked when did you give it up. The man replied, about halfway down.

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035*Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

*Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

*George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

*35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

*Nursing home event...Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

*Texas executes last remaining citizen.

*Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

*Baby conceived naturally...scientists stumped.

*Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

*Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

*Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

*Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

*New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

Things to do when a coworker goes on vacation.

I just had to post this. I thought it was funny.

A lawyer, a doctor and a preacher go deer hunting

A lawyer, a doctor and a preacher go deer hunting. The lawyer takes the north end of the fence, the doctor the south end and they put the preacher in the middle. An hour later a deer walks to the middle of the field and all 3 fire at the same time and the deer falls dead. They argue over who killed the deer and finally the doctor says "I can settle this, I have studied forensics." The lawyer says you better have good evidence. After a few minutes the doctor declares that the preacher killed the deer. The lawyer says "how do you know?" The doctor says "because the bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Sometimes we hear it but don't put it into practice. God's blessings come from obedience to Him.

The Boy and the Pastor

A pastor was walking down his neighborhood street one day and was feeling down cause he didn't think people were getting his messages to help and visit the elderly. Then he noticed a little boy from his church trying to reach the knocker on an elderly woman's door. Excited that at least he had gotten the message he went to help him. He walked up on the porch and pounded the knocker on the door. Then he looked down at the little boy and asked what do we do now. The little boy looked up with suprise and yelled, "RUN!!!"

Tony Nolan

You Kids have It Too Easy

I was listening to KLove this morning and Sterling read this email she got and I just had to pass it along. Have a good laugh.

Sterling
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious stories about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.

Uphill... barefoot...
... See More
BOTH ways!
Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no I was going talk to my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today - you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves - in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napster or I tunes - you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone, 'cause that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have anything fancy like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-..resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win.
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Swine Flu Paranoia

Well I have been very conscious of washing my hands and trying to avoid the possibility of getting the Swine Flu. I hope I don't get quite as paranoid as these folks in the picture.

Dog Tales: The Watchdog

Well I thought I would post something my daughter's dog again. I don't know what to do with him. I hope you enjoy this.

The other day, I came by the house early in the afternoon to pick up some parts for another job. I was surprised to find a man standing out on the road in front of my house in an orange jump suit. As I live out in the country not close to other houses, this was very unusual. Also orange jump suits around here are the special uniform for those who live in the local parish hotel run by our men in uniform. I was a bit concerned, but since my dog had him cornered on the road, at first I wasn’t concerned a whole lot until I noticed he was keeping the stranger company and kind of looked like he was looking for a handout from the man in orange. I pulled up in the driveway and got out of my truck and realized that my dog was just keeping him company. “What am I feeding this watchdog for?” I was reminded of a story I read a few years ago by Patrick McManus, where a dog showed up at his house as a kid so they called him stranger. After a while they shortened his name to Strange which fit his character, or lack thereof. He wrote that when the Hobos would come through Strange would go out and sit with him and exchange information for what little handout they could spare. He imagined the conversation would go like this, “They don’t have much but the silverware is in the top drawer by the stove”. After awhile the Hobo would move on after getting disgusted after Strange displayed some of his most unusual habits. Anyways, I decided to be cautiously friendly and waved and shouted “hey”. I got no response just a stare. This didn’t make me feel to secure and I thought, today is trash day and I know the parish sometimes uses the prisoners to help pickup and since the next house about ¾ mile away was a turnaround before they returned back by my house figured that was what was going on. I also realized I hadn’t put out the trash, so I shouted and asked if they were picking up trash. Again I got no answer, just a stare. So I decided that we had not been that trashy that week and decided to wait another week before wheeling the trash can out to the road where the stranger in orange was. I proceeded inside, but went to the window to see what might happen. My “daughter’s dog” returned to visit with him. A few minutes later the trash truck returned to pick him up. But right before he got in the truck I noticed headphones. No wander he didn’t answer back. Even my daughter ignores me when she puts hers on. I hope the dog gets the idea he is to be a watchdog someday instead of a mooch dog. Oh, the Patrick McManus books are hilarious.

Playing Chess Against Myself

I don't like playing chess against myself. My opponent seems to be as good as me and always seems to know my next move. I also hate to lose. I might try tic tac toe against myself next. I hear it is the height of frustration.

If Rednecks Were in Charge 1

If Rednecks were in charge, Microsoft Winders would be better.

Locked in the Bathroom

I thought we needed a little humerous story, after this week. True story. A few weeks back I was eating at a restaurant and the manager came back and asked how everything was. I said, "Fine, how's thangs with you?" That's how I talk, cause I am from the south. But anyways, he said, "Better now." I says, "what do you mean"? He says, "Well this morning I was in the bathroom for my usual morning time, and tried to get out and the door knob stripped out." I says, "what did you do?" He says "well noone was home but me and I didn't have a phone in there, and my cell phone was in the bedroom." I says, "Howd you get help?" He says, "well I had my laptop in the bathroom with me, so I emailed my wife at work, she called her father and he came and got me out." I thought it was humerous. Hope you enjoyed it.

Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering, five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of. (Love it!) You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the OK Chorale.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as branding.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm Tickled Pink

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Thou shalt not covet applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear

You know you're from Lousiana if...

You know you're from Louisiana if.......
A. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. (or waiting for a train!)
B. Vacation means going to the family reunion.
C. You measure distance in minutes.
D. You know several people who have hit a deer.
E. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
F. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
G. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
H. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
I. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
J. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
K. You use fix as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
L. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
M. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
N. You know what cow tipping and snipe hunting is.
O. You only own three spices: Tony's, ketchup, and Tabasco.
P. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
Q. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
R. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
S. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
T. You know whether another Louisianan is from southern or northern Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.
U. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
V. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as goin wal-martin or off to Wally World.
W. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
X. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
Y. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as biscuits n' gravy)
Z. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Louisiana.

Making Decisions

Ok, you have to make a decision. Is it the gator or the car? Sometimes life decisions are like this. God knows the answer though.

Redneck fix

Well, this is the third workday in a row that I have had some sort of vehicle problem. Friday I had a flat on my truck, so I moved everything to another vehicle. Monday that vehicle needed a new battery that I had to change out in the Wal Mart parking lot. Apparently one of the battery leads won't tighten very good, so this morning while I was running late and it wouldn't start I applied a backup redneck fix to it. That was because duct tape or WD-40 wouldn't do the job. This is the way it has rode all day. Better fix it for real before my wife finds out. So let's add this to the redneck toolbox. You know even with the with all that has happened, my God is great and I was blessed all those days.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN LOUISIANA IN SUMMER WHEN . . .

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN LOUISIANA IN SUMMER WHEN . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of LOUISIANA

Application to Date my Daughter

Hope everyone (especially parents) like this. It came to me by way of email and I just had to post it.

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
*NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test, as requested.Name ______________ Date of Birth __________ Social Security #___________ Driver’s license # __________ IQ __________ GPA __________Home Address __________________________________________Do you have one male and one female parent? If not, explain: ____________________________________________Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversize tires? _____ A waterbed? _____Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _____ A tattoo? _____(If you answered YES to any of the last 5 questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does "DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?_____________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does "Abstinence" mean to you?_____________________________________________What is your Church affiliation? __________How often do you attend? __________Best time to interview your Parents? __________Your Preacher? __________ Your Employer? __________Have you ever been fingerprinted? __________Had a DNA sample taken & recorded? __________Answer the following questions under oath:The one thing I hope this application does not ask about me is:_____________________________________________A Woman’s place is in the:___________________________________________My greatest fear is:____________________________________________When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is: _______________________*Note: If your answer begins with a T or A, discontinue and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety.CERTIFICATION OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT: I swear all information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.________________________________________SIGNATURE (If you have to ask what this means, you are a MORON, so tear up this application and leave immediately!)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties, and carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back!)